I just wanted to show you guys what I've been working on in Art I, it's my final pencil-portrait project. Other than this, we've worked on charcoal gesture drawings, proportion exercises, and lots of feature exercises, too. I don't have a digital camera, but my best friend does, and she's in the same art class as me, so hopefully I can get her to take photoshoots of my work ;-)

( Check here to see what my artwork and I look like! )

You can't see my face, so you're gonna have to go by what my portrait looks like! Haha, I'm so clever. And evil. And made of awesome.

You may be thinking, "Why are you making this journal friends-only?" One of the reasons is that I want to keep my personal entries away from the public. I'll still post any of my fics publically so anyone can view them. But if you friend me, you might see some new fics or original-fics by me that might have been experimental or not yet ready for everyone else to see.

( Before you friend me, take this pop-quiz! )

I am beginning to feel as if I've initiated a battle I just can't win.

I'm drowning in my classes. There is homework everywhere. I don't have the extra time that I did last year to procrastinate. Not much, anyway. In fact, yesterday was the one day where I was able to update my stories, and experience a bit of creative economy. I wasn't able to review my friend's poems until today. I wasn't able to fully, really talk to my friends on AIM until this morning. I think it's aggravating.

I love my AP classes - the subject matter isn't what bothers me. It bothers me that every teacher feels as if their class is the only class every student is taking. Honestly, they aren't empathetic to people who have coursework that includes 3+ APs. They believe that everyone has maybe two or three APs and can manage the insane amount of homework that is given in one week for just one class. I can't take this. It's only the first week. I am a straight-A student, 4.8+ GPA student. The work isn't hard, it's, for lack of a better word, a waste of time.

I really just want to go to college so I don't have to deal with this BS. College classes, I can take. I can't deal with the BS that comes with 5 AP classes and then 2 non-AP courses, and have each class meet twice a week. It's harder than my sister's college schedule, and that's saying something.

I want highschool to end. Now.

College mail has a habit of cheering my spirits.

I recently received a pamphlet from MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). I flipped through the contents and realized that MIT would be a great place for me if I were to pursue a career in technology or engineering. I'm still not sure what I'm going to be majoring in at college; I know what I'm interested in, but unsure what to focus on and seriously consider as a future career option.

I'm still feeling uneasy about going forward into education -- mainly because I'm not sure if that's the path I really want, or whether it's a path that I'd want to do if there was nothing else for me. It's mainly my backup option right now because if I'm really unclear as to what I should major in, I could always double major in education and another subject, and teach in the future.

Blah, I still have to worry about my exams coming up this year. Hopefully after I take those tests and get the results back, I'll know what colleges are realistic choices. When I received my PLAN and SCORE exams, I realized that both of them displayed results pointing me towards my future career -- possibly in medicine.

That cheered up my parents.. I don't think I want to become a doctor. I have the talent and the diligence to become a medical student and eventually a doctor, but I don't have the patience. Science is fun to play around with, but I think becoming a doctor would be a lifelong investment that I'm not willing to make at this moment.

Grr, indecisiveness sucks.

I'm going to make it out of here.

I'm known for quitting prematurely out of my most ambitious ideas and projects. But I can't quit this time, not this out of all the journeys I will embark on. Closing myself off from the world isn't working; I've tried. The universe is apathetic to us, it is apathetic to me. I wish it were different, but I am no better than Mersault, who was found guilty for not crying at his mother's funeral.

( There's no cure to my poison. )

I got my schedule today, which was for the most part, all right. I only have one class (AP AB Calculus) that I need to either switch or leave alone before school starts. Class is preceded with block number.

1. AP Biology -- Ms. Ortiz
2. AP English Language & Composition -- Mr. Hahm
3. AP Statistics -- Mrs. Runkel
4. Art 1 -- Ms. Minyo
5. Spanish 4 -- Ms. Torres
6. AP Gov't & Politics -- Mr. Devine
7. Lunch
8. AP BC Calculus -- Ms. Mulligan

I can't get over it.

Here, it has been nearly three months, and all I want is revenge on my ex-boyfriend. When they say that girls take relationships more seriously than guys do, it's true. Most girls want a boy that's going to love them forever, and someone who isn't going to trade them for someone "better". What is it about relationships like this that is so fleeting? Everyone knows this is how many relationships end, and the idyllic mutual break-up exists in perfect worlds. I'm not sure why I can't recover; it isn't because I love him, nor because I want his friendship.

( I won't forget. )

I've realized that it's hard for new LJ users to find layouts that they may actually like. These kind of layouts are also easier to customize because with the change of a few colors, it feels a bit more personalized, or users can even add their own headers. Here's a short list of fantastic layouts and their community maintainers or creators.

LAYOUTS

• peoplemachines by perforada


• mintyapple by imegaphone


• starlingsby100 by wooed & sostark


• the fulcrum by grrliz


• absonant by aery


• reversescollide s1 & s2 layouts by exiiguity


• fizzylifting by no1_antielitist


• layouts by _excentric_


• paintedlayouts s1 & s2 by enamour


• cartonage by irinafan


• interlinea by newkidfan & blimey_icons


• wavesoak by daysoon


• apricot13 by xhan104

Not all these layout providers ask to provide credit, but you should check with each LJ community/provider just to make sure. It's also polite to provide credit so if anyone stumbles upon your LJ and likes your layout, they can find a similar one. Enjoy!

I'm losing momentum.

I don't know where or when I started to feel like I should start accepting my circumstances. Acceptance is a golden task. It truly is - to mask what one truly feels about a given situation, and to simply let it go. For some, it's accepting that the world is unfair and that people don't always have the bad intentions. For me, it's knowing that there's no running away. No, running away would be a mistake on my part. You see, the rebellious part of me knows that the intelligent part would not condone this kind of behavior. I want freedom. I don't want to accept my situation as it is and give up. I finish what I start. The intelligent part of me knows that regardless of whether I truly gain freedom or not, I have forever disconnected myself from a part of my former world.

A perpetual tug of war doesn't exist. One side wins. A deadlock is not permanent. I know that my intelligent side has a stronger logical case. I tend to side with this part of myself (if it's possible to take sides with yourself). Freedom sounds enticing, luring, like bait. I don't know what I'd do with this freedom. I know that I wouldn't abuse it, of course - but I know that I have become who I am now with very limited freedom. And if suddenly, I was given tons of it, freedom that I'd never even seen - I'd probably change.

I honestly just want to become a dream.

I'm going insane if school doesn't start soon. I'm so sick of staying at home and having nothing to do. I've finished all my summer homework, don't have work anymore - it's irritating being at home, and feeling completely unproductive. I don't like wasting my time and I'm not sure how to use it now that I finally have it. And when school starts again, I don't have time to do anything at all. I honestly don't know what I want. My wants change and fluctuate with my circumstances. When school starts again, I'm going to be considerably happier because I don't have to be home anymore, but I'll be irritated that I don't have free time for myself.

My sister came back from Pakistan and all she wants to do now is to go back. I'm kind of surprised. If I went, I don't think I'd want to stay there. It's fun to go to Pakistan for vacationing, but for living? I don't think I could live there. I'm too used to having a hyped up lifestyle to go back to basics. That and because I think it's seriously easier to catch a disease there. Maybe I'll go there next year during the summer..

Orientation is on August 28th! I can't wait.